now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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