oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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