I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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