She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
