im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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