Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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