Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
