did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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