You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
