ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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