Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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