Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
