I looked at my own cervix.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
