Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
