Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
