i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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