HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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