you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
