why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
