Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
