Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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