I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
