It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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