I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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