I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
