her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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