im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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