You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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