not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
