I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We're too hungover to prance.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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