Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
