we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
