So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That was before I lit my hair on fire
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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