When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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