You made me cry and you don't even care
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
