My friends, they love my intelligence
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
