so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
