Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
