I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
