SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
