People in love make me want to vomit
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
