im gay
i know
yea but for you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
