There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
