my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
