I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
