So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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