I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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