I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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