I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
