it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
