eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
