Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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