no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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