I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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