Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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