Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
