I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
