I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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