We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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