____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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