So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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