if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
