he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
