Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
